As an experiment to explore the ideas of manhood in video games, I built the most whiny emo bitch-baby I possibly could inside of "Dragon Age: Inquisition." I then set him loose to vomit his pathetic, simpering awfulness across the game-world--pissing off Varric, Cassandra and the whole damn gang with his priggish attitude and "WHY WON'T ANYONE DATE ME" dialogue.
"I'm such a NICE GUY, I don't understand why Cassandra won't go out with me!"
Since I started this series, a lot's happened. And I mean, a lot. Since my last entry back in December, we've had yet another mass shooting perpetrated by a violence-obsessed loner. Yet another entitled asshole, taking out his deluded aggression on the innocent.
Oh, and this happened.
And this.
Wait! Let's not forget terrifying shit like this.
Yeah. There were so many earth-shattering acts of hubris and aggression since Part Two that... honestly, I'm just gonna stop while I'm ahead here.
Anyone not living under a rock should see the fact America has a violence problem in its male population. Yet, how to solve that problem? Nobody seems to have the answer. Finding it may be the central project of my generation--on top of fixing the damn government and making sure our national monuments don't get fracked. But I digress! You didn't come here for an op-ed. You came here for... ENTERTAINMENT!!!
"Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?"
Since our last entry, Melkor's antics continued. He successfully wooed Cassandra (somehow), gotten Iron Bull's buddies killed (oopsies) and nominated Vivian for Fantasy Land Supreme Court--accidentally. A lot of mistakes, but hey, at least he has a totally dope lightsaber spell now!
"Vwoom! VWOORM!" "Sir, they've started ethnic cleansing in Orlais again." "Sorry Cullen, I can't hear you over how AWESOME I look right now!"
At long last... I have finished the main campaign.
I've beaten DA: Inquisition once before, but it was a hollow victory. My blundering forays into the lore, brainless political mistakes and things like "having a life" got in the way of properly finishing the game. And let me tell you, there is a lot to finish here. A true completionist could spend thousands of hours exploring every inch of Thedas, uncovering every secret.
Honestly... Fuck that noise.
I enjoy the game's minutiae quite a lot, but it's the character development I'm drawn to, not hundred-page summaries on elven history. And I got what I was looking for.
Nothing says "character development" like a massive army of murder-goons, on the march to their next bloodbath!
Let's crunch down some of the big game-changers leading up to the end, shall we?
- After lots of arguing, I finally managed to make friends with
SpockSolas, our elven magic expert. Of course, he turned out to be an ancient elven wolf-god and possible villain for the next game, but hey. At least we had some nice chats. - Blackwall turned out to be some random asshole. This was extra-shocking because I'd been having Melkor look up to him--only to have his trust betrayed! Juicy and painful. Good writing.
- Leliana, my long-time favorite character from Dragon Age: Origins, turned into a total goddamn sociopath by the end. Well... Okay. Guess who's NOT going to be Magic Pope, Leliana? That's right, you. No more coffee, either--I'm cutting you off.
- Melkor finally, finally, finally proved his love to Cassandra! All it took was lots of flattery and patience, to break through her crusty exterior--plus the Dragon Age equivalent of dirty magazines. Don't ask.
- Melkor finally got to prove who was the edgier edge-lord by fighting Corypheus, lackluster main villain. To prove his superiority, Melkor brought a B-team of Varric, Dorian and some random guy named Cole to kill Corypheus, and holy shit it fucking worked!! Okay, Cole died like 8 times during the final fight, but we did it! We killed the ancient evil! Begging the question... What comes next? Not for the franchise, but for our team? It's hard to kill an elder god, and then just retire and do brunch on Sundays. We are a crack squad, dammit! We do NOT brunch! (Although honestly, part of me hoped the crew would get a Breakfast Club-esque moment, after the credits.)
Admit it. You'd watch 'Breakfast Club: Dragon Age Edition.' You'd watch it, and cry like a baby.
To my surprise, the post-end-game was just... more of the same. You finish the game, have a brief quiet party with your friends in the castle, and then you get right back to business. There's a small montage of how the game-world turns out, and your love interest (in this case Cassandra) chats with you about the future of the world, blah blah BLAH. But saving the world--perhaps not shockingly--just leads to more politics and problems. The world is changed, but not always improved, by your actions.
And that's what I like about this game. It's truly a world for our time--the game starts with a magical act of terrorism, and you spend at least half of the campaign trying to stop people from killing each other, due to religious differences. This is heavy stuff, and it's dealt with realistically. You need slow, patient, calculated moves to stop the chaos.
And Melkor wasn't patient or calculated. At least... Not at first.
Definitely not at first.
As we covered in the previous entry, the act of leading changes a person. It can destroy them, or it can build them up. Melkor began his saga as an overgrown man-child, snatching up Templar recruits and whining about his elven heritage. However, as the game went on, I found myself making more and more responsible decisions because it seemed logical for Melkor to make them at various points during his development.
Sure, he screwed up. A lot. Empress Celine got assassinated under his watch, and his aggressive, insecure behavior nearly drove several people away from the party. But over time, as he grew to fill the roles of Inquisitor, my make-believe manchild became more of... well, of a man. It was fascinating to watch.
And this played throughout every second of his character development.
Part of this is due to the amazing writing of Dragon Age. The dialogue options in the game are simple, but they branch out into hundreds of different choices and reactions, many of which influence how the Inquisitor is seen by his party. Is he worshipped as a god? Feared as a dictator? Or perhaps, just maybe, loved as a good friend?
Okay, we admit, he doesn't have the MOST friendly face out there. More of a Ramsay Bolton than a Jon Snow, if I'm honest. But hey, some people are into that! Scary, scary people.
I think I struck a balance between all of these. While Melkor offered kind advice to that random spirit/demon teenager thing and earned the respect of the party's more serious members, he also had a man brain-wiped for defying his will and forced Blackwall to stay and lie, after he'd learned of the Warden's betrayal. Oh, and he also drank an ancient elven well of spirits like it was sweet, sweet Flavor-Ade. The guy is flawed, for sure.
But he's also developed in leaps and bounds from the simpering, grumpy chauvinist I started with. The Melkor who confronted the Disturbed logo guy Corypheus during the game's climax was a stronger, more self-assured version of his former self. And hopefully, I can continue that trend during post-game. Providing I can even boot the game without the disc exploding from over-use.
You know how long it took me to get these accessories? A LONG TIME. That's how long.
One thing I found especially odd during Inquisition was the romance. People are pretty unnerved by romance in video games, and rightly so--they have long been a source of weird, creepy fantasies for gamers without a love-life, and the programmers in charge of making them are not always interested in spelling out what a healthy relationship looks like. And yes, Bioware is famous for SAUCY RAUNCHY PIXEL SEX between the player and whatever NPC receives his/her affections. But unlike Mass Effect Andromeda and Dragon Age Origins, which had unhealthy and tasteless approaches to romance (you literally romance people in Origins by bribing them until they love you) Inquisition was tasteful and smart about its writing. The mannequin-like makeout sessions are still super weird, though. Not recommending those.
It's weird, this played through the entire sex scene with Cassandra. Phil himself was hiding in the bushes, as an Easter egg. Great game, Bioware.
So after endless hours being sucked into the world of Dragon Age, was it worth it? What did I learn along the way? Well, I learned that people are way too accommodating of unstable people in power, that's for sure. Once someone reaches the top of the totem pole, they can easily be surrounded by yes-men and make horrible mistakes--or worse, succeed at malicious agendas. Given the way Melkor had started, I was honestly sure he was going to cause a genocide by the end of the game. Luckily, his friends steered him away from abuses of power.
Speaking of power, it wouldn't be an obnoxious think-piece if I didn't link this post to guns somehow, would it? Magic in Dragon Age is very similar to guns in America: It's easy to get, it's politically divisive, and you can straight up kill the fuck out of someone with it if you're unstable or just feel like being an asshole that day.
Pictured: One of Melkor's many sad, ham-faced victims. Not pictured: the charred mass of his corpse, which we left smoldering in the road, without any sort of proper burial.
Melkor did misuse his magic several times, along the way. But in the end, he chose discipline over wanton violence, working with Knight-Enchanters to improve his skill and get himself under control. He also dealt with his anger... mostly through dragon-hunting, which is tragically not an option to American youth, since we hunted our dragons to extinction ages ago.
In the end, Melkor did the right thing: he focused his aggressive nature and persecution complex towards productive stuff, and dealt with his issues. He even wound up with the girl of his dreams, after finding out you can't "win" girls like they're prizes. All in all, I think the experiment was a success. I created a deeply flawed person, watched him grow and eventually, save the world! And I think that kind of progress is possible for everyone... but only if we share the responsibility of improving ourselves, and our own personal "kingdoms" along with us.
And there are limits to this experiment. At the end of the day, DA: Inquisition is just a video game. I can't solve the world's problems with armchair psychology and funny GIFs. If I could, you bet your ass I would be all over that.
If funny could save lives, Filthy Frank could have stopped Fukushima. THINK ABOUT IT!
Instead of a solution, all I can offer is advice: the next time you sit down to blaze through Monster Hunter, or Star Wars Battlefront, or In the Name of the King or whatever--think about the world you're inhabiting, for a little while. Does that world teach you and inspire you to make the real world better, or is it just an escape you've run to because the real world is unbearable? If the real world is unbearable, why the hell do you feel that way, in the first place? What's causing it--and what can you do to change it, right now? How many Melkors can you reach, and prevent future awful catastrophes?
I don't know if you can make a difference. But I highly encourage you to try. Because if we all gave a shit and acted on it, the world would be a better place.
I guess this would be a good place for a mic drop.
Thanks for reading, guys. Tune in next time for... whatever comes next.
END OF PART 3
